Following is an excerpt from my book, Status Schmo, describing how men react to getting kicked in the balls. It was describing how the protagonist was suffering from a long list of transgressions by government. A prominent media host posted an article to give others the sense of pain he had to endure as a result.
Every man knows what it’s like to get a full kick to the groin, and many women who’ve witnessed it, are usually able to sympathize, at least a little. It’s the only time men are able to grasp, albeit only momentarily, the pain of childbirth endured by women. While Joe has endured numerous and unbelievable abuses at the hands of more than one level of government, there seems to be no sign of it letting up with this latest travesty. And knowing the government, it is fully expected to continue. Joe is probably the only man alive who keeps getting kicked in the balls only to stand back up as if nothing happened. He just brushes off his hands and keeps on keepin’ on as if to ask “Is that all ya got?”
Now, just for my female readers, let me try to describe what it’s like to get kicked in the nads. At first, your brain doesn’t register the pain, because just the thought of any kind of impact down there is enough for a man to clench his thighs together and wince. There sort of has to be a conversation between your head and where the sun don’t shine in order to process the pain that is about to knock you on your knees and make you beg, and not for someone to marry you. It goes something like this:
“Brain calling Testicalia. Severe trauma detected in your region. Can you confirm? Over.”
“Testicalia here. Yes Brain, we have sustained a direct blow. Class 5 trauma sir. I’ve instituted standard delay protocols. Expect casualty report momentarily. Please advise on reaction time and prescribed pain relief countermeasures. Over.”
“Roger Testicalia. Pain relief? What pain relief? Prepare for level ten pain in five seconds. This is the purple, shriveled smiley face on that pain chart the doc gives you. Assume protocol for shooting hot liquid erupting from pelvic region to lower abdominal area. Assume bent over position with guttural grunting, followed by eyes rolling back into the head. You may also consider full loss of consciousness as a countermeasure. Picture that blackout we had ten years ago due to high level of alcohol, only with no source to numb the pain, and no fun memories or regional excitement to justify it. I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do at this point. Expect total communication outage for the next five minutes. Best of luck Testicalia. Hopefully you’ll be intact when we are operational again. Brain out.”
“Roger that Brain, now activating …..HRRRRRMPH!”
Keep in mind, Joe has had no less than six of these direct hits to his glory region in just a few months. And what does he do? He smiles, acting as if what happened was nothing more than a doctor asking him to turn and cough. He might as well be at a hazing somewhere or in a dungeon, because his positive attitude towards this pretty much reads to the universe as “PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE ANOTHER? This man is clearly a direct descendent of Norse Gods. Either that or he’s Chuck Norris in disguise. And Chuck Norris’s balls by now are so old that we wonder if they respond to anything. Maybe they are detachable? Perhaps Joe has this rare skill too? He might as well, given that he has often acted as if he left them at home under his pillow, all in the name of dignity and positivity.