This is an excerpt from the book, ‘Idiots, Assholes, & Me, The Psychology of Driving.’

TYPE: Stop Paralytics

SUBSPECIES: Idiotum

NOMENCLATURE:

Panicus Paralytica

DESCRIPTION: Paralysis while driving affects a small, but dangerous segment of drivers. Stop paralysis generally occurs at four way stops and in right hand turn lanes at traffic lights.

Why is it that four ways stops are so confounding to some people? Oh wait, that’s right, because those same people are complete idiots who apparently never opened the DMV handbook. (But they are in the DAMN-5 as per this book and their psychoanalysis can be read below). The near polar opposite of Soccer Moms who will bully their way through no matter whose turn it is, there is a substantial number of meek, usually female drivers who simply cannot force themselves to take their turn. This tends to be due to the fact that women can never make up their freaking minds about anything. If you get behind one of these lady drivers, you may as well accept the fact that you will be there much longer than what the drivers of sound mind (men) would expect. You’d think common sense would prevail. It’s quite simple really. TAKE YOUR TURN! How hard is it to understand that?

But nope, Panicus Paralytica simply sits there as if waiting for that non-existent traffic director to point to her and say “your turn lady.” The key here is to never make eye contact with the other three drivers and just jump out there when you think it’s your turn. It actually works too, which would amaze these drivers. They’re easy to spot too. It’s usually women with their seats pulled up all the way and their breasts resting on the steering wheel (seriously, what is it with boobs on steering wheels? Is it some kind of conspiracy? Do they act as horn honkers because when women can’t use their hands?), grasping the wheel with white knuckles, and beads of sweat dripping from her hairline with her head turning like a ratchet back and forth. Quite often, the more extreme paralytics will simply never go until there are no other cars at or approaching the other three signs.

In one well documented case, four of these people actually happened to approach a four way stop near Clear Lake, Iowa, in each direction at the same time. It then became known in the world of physics as the Holly Warp Event, occurring on February 3, 1959. (Were you alive the year this happened? Okay you’re old, just FYI). This is the year that most physicists agree that the fabric of the universe was torn. It is widely believed to have caused the dimensions of reality to shift and sometimes referred to as the day the music died and was the cause of the infamous plane crash nearby. Instead of driving a Chevy to the levy someone drove a Chevy to this four- way stop. These four individiotals officially stopped time and caused a massive traffic jam with their inability to decide who was going to go through the intersection. One driver waved on one driver, that driver waved on the driver who waved them on, and so on and so forth. One person finally, after bated breath and much sweating and shaking and hand waving, decided to take a HUGE risk and gun it through the intersection, but JUST at that time the idiot in one of the other lanes ALSO decided to do that so they both had to back up and sit there another few days.

Finally, the drivers had to get out and argue about who was going to go and when. But that turned into “well how about YOU go first, no, how about YOU go first!”, and so on and so forth until finally they just decided to say f- it and all go through the intersection at the same time, slamming on the accelerator and closing their eyes (a Thelma and Louise event). This of course caused a huge accident with only one of the drivers managing to escape and actually get through the intersection. Because of the nature of the accident, the three remaining cars were spun around in different directions and were so desperate to get through the intersection that they just drove their now busted (in some cases the door was hanging off) vehicles in that direction to finally get out of the ludicrous situation. No insurance information was exchanged as explaining such titanic ridiculousness to any insurance agency or anyone in general would result in nothing but laughter and bewilderment.

Two other such events are believed to have occurred on the day Hip Hop was invented and referred to from that time forward as music, thereby ensuring music stayed dead, as well as the days that millions of Americans voted for George Walker Bush and Donald Trump, proving that the collective IQ of over half of Americans was officially below 55.

Then there are the idiots in the right hand turn lane who somehow forgot the concept of turning right on red. They simply won’t do it, even if there’s no traffic coming on the road they’re turning on. It’s as if they believe the wise and noble person who invented the practice was wrong, and by God, they’re not going to use it. “Me, turn on a red light! NEVER!” These idiots are very similar to Traffic Light Addicts, and often times they are one in the same. We wish we could put a sign up by the red light that says “HEY IDIOT! YOU CAN TURN RIGHT ON RED YA KNOW!” The only solution for these Stop Paralytics to HONK and pray they respond in an appropriate manner. Not likely.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Sudden Onset Paralysis Syndrome (SOPS). Unlike Parkiplegics, these drivers are not narcissistic. They are actually mild mannered, shun any form of confrontation, and often suffer from severe arthritis caused from gripping of steering wheels as well as TaTaItis from resting their breasts on the steering wheel (yes, most of these drivers are women. If you are a man who has man-boobs big enough to rest on the steering wheel you likely are a trucker.

Since childhood, these drivers are unable to make decisions, which implies a complete lack of self confidence and self esteem. They will analyze even the most simple of problems until the solutions begin to sound absurd. For example, when trying to decide if it’s their turn to go at a four way stop. They analyze the problem as follows:

“Is it my turn? I’m not sure, but I think it is. But even if it is, what if that other person thinks it’s his turn? Surely I’ll be killed. Wait, did that lady just nudge out. OMG, I’m so sorry lady, I didn’t realize it was your turn. Now she’ll go home and tell everyone I’m a dangerous driver. Then my husband will get pissed and he’ll probably have an affair and our kids will grow up to be welfare lizards or serial killers and then leave a suicide note saying it was my fault because I went out of turn at the four way stop. Oh shit! Why is that guy behind me honking his horn? Did a little kitty run under my car? Is that why he’s honking? If I pull out now, I’ll be a kitty killer, then it will be all over the news and plastered all over Facebook and my kids will see it on SnapChat……”

BUMPER STICKERS: ‘I Just Can’t’.